oh snap

It's not how well you are loved
but how well you love.

While forgetting for a moment where this notion might have originated or why, I wonder if all adoptees find this phrase jarring. It makes me pause and reflect how I have been focussed on being loved. When I love, I see how beautiful I am and love myself not through their eyes but my own. Yet I certainly have wished many times I were a more loving person. Perhaps I've tried in my own way and it comes out confusing to others. How I openly admire.

I'm feeling dejected at the moment. Apathetic. Like I could just flop, face down on the bed and never get up. Except I couldn't breathe and would want to move my head. And then there would be Thomas and I'd want to snuggle with him. The body does go on. It gets hungry. It needs release of waste. It gets tired. It feels tempted to pet the soft, fluffy, warm cat.

Although things went fairly well seeing my ex's parents for the first time since the break up, I feel the loss of them more now or the knowing of the loss has become real. I find it interesting that they blamed F for the break up of their daughter's first relationship. And that I suspected F of causing our break up. Is there any fire behind the smoke of denial?

I also find it interesting that I feel the closest to tears while walking about. Perhaps because I am vulnerable to attack in public. People criticizing me. Not sure why they think they have the right. Guess it makes them feel better about themselves to put me down. And I do understand why I would be a target, having no current will to fight. So all I can do is put my big black hood up and hope that I look like a scary Demon-worshipper.